chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
He probably put up nude pics. He seems like that kind of guy.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
I just threw up trying to put pants on. This is obviously a sign to stay naked.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
I just had a guy ask me if his "jewelry downstairs" would set off the metal detector.
Literally just sitting around waiting for someone to come along and fuck my chakras back into alignment
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
The fuck kind of sorcerer makes a pact with tequila
Most of the people I know from AA
Haha touché
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