Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
porn star boner night. come get it.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
Hahah what did you even say to him?!
That I was gonna inflate his vagina with a leaf blower?
Oh.
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
Randomize
