You know the gilmore girls would be alright if it was on mute the whole time
she pinky promised me she was 18
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
I keep calling his kid the wring name. This is not helping my cause. And by cause mean his dick
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
Randomize
