Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Out of all the things I've put my penis in, this seems the most unfortunate.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
I mean, it's a romantic picture of pubes if I've ever seen one
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
I did not pay that kind of money so that It could be hidden. that bra needs to shine in glory so that it can be seen by the world.
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
I dunno about you, but I consider getting eaten out on the porch of a houseboat in -30c in a bridesmaids dress a northern right of passage
Randomize
