my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
This guys mom bought us a 24 pack and drove me and 8 others to a frat house... Hello moms weekend.
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Also I will be receiving my own bra in the mail because I left it at his place, woops
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
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