he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!
Marshall is naming all the elements of my face. I love science nerds.
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Would you like to get a drink then hook up or reverse order I don't really care. Hopefully you can keep this between us.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
Randomize
