My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
He wanted to take me out and said we could "go huntin in the woods."
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.
THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.
I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.
we were sitting in the kitchen and you kept biting my shoulder saying "itll all be over soon"
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Randomize
