honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
We got kicked out of yet another strip club because your mom wanted to "show these kiddies how it's done"
He brought me Plan B in the snowstorm.
A+ 👏🏼
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
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