pick me up and take me to a bathroom i have to shit
no
the bathroom is right infront of the beerpong table
im sorry you werent invited but you live 2 blocks away PLEASE
it was like his penis was on wheels.
Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Actually, considering the facts that I am wearing a duct tape dress and eating a gas station quesadilla, I am pretty good.
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
On a side note the mornings you do so much Xanax that you wake up totally at one with the universe and feel invincible are great
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
He answered the door stark naked. When I called him on it he shrugged and said 'casual Friday ' Some boys can't be trusted to work from home.
Randomize
