I fucked a guy named chris tucker last night
ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"
you know it is a bad morning when you forget to brush your teeth and eat old gas x in your car because its minty...
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
My mom just asked me if I can obtain a fake ID by thursday
dude there's a blind guy on the trail using his service dog to hit on girls.
She asked what it would take for you to fuck her. You drunkenly mumbled, "pepperoni pizza" and then got in the cab by yourself. You were smiling too. It was weird.
My throat is burning
Thats because you proceeded to drink the salsa because you thought it was alcohol...dumbass
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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