Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
I think im going to throw up on grandma
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I wanna be on tlc
Impossible. You are neither fat, fertile or fashionless.
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
Please tell me you aren't concussed from dancing on the stripper pole
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
Idk but when you think about it the last time I did bottomless mimosas I ended up getting my nipples pierced so it might be fair
Last time we had sex i was dressed like a ninja turtle and someone else was in our bed, so this time should be fine.
I hope ur kiddin
wish i was
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
Randomize
