i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
