I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
I peppersprayed myself last night. Sigh.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I was passed out in a bathroom stall. Of course im going to look like shit
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I use my feet as sexual weapons
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