Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
I just don't have the heart to tell my mom you peed in our washer machine last night.
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
She kept giving the uber driving directions and we all thought they were wrong so we'd send him the other way. Turns out she wasn't guiding us home, but to the half gallon that she hid in the bushes on the way to the bar.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
My makeup bag looks like it has lips and wants to sing to me... Too high?
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
we didn't have sex though. because i have the will power of an ox.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
"You can have sex in my class, just stay quiet. I don't like noise." My professor... Shall make for an interesting semester.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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