THEY JUST PLAYED KISS FROM A ROSE TONIGHT IS PERFECT
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
It's not that drunk me is smarter; it's that sober me is secretly playing for the other team.
I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...
That guy is like a clown car of sexy. Just when I think I've seen it all, THERE'S MORE.
AND SOME IN THE TRUNK.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Cancun blessed me with a drinking problem
I know. I know. He'll be weekday dick.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
I had to ask my mom to look for my kegle ball...
Randomize
