How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
You going out tonight?
No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I feel the need to send all my exes pictures of penises larger than theirs. Because they all must suffer.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
2020 sucks, I want a refund
eating pizza to get the taste of dick out my mouth wby
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