Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
Just went through ex bf's and hook up buddys and liked pictures of them on facebook. A friendly reminder that I will be back in for the holidays
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.
He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking
Update- I sold my hat to some drunk kid for 50 bucks. I used my earnings to buy beer on the way home. I realize to everyone else seeing me drinking on my balcony at 6am, I look like an alcoholic, but I'm thinking of it as a night cap
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Tabs I had open this morning: "15 hedgehogs with things that look like hedgehogs" and an unexplored google search for "how do I express my love of tacos"
So you are wearing a heart monitor while drinking?
Yea, they said carry on with my everyday activity.
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
We smell like vodka and hangover
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