i chose cheese fries over sex for the third time this week.
hey bro how do you do that fake vagina thing with the tp roll? im bored.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.
Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.
That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Dude, he paid us overtime to smoke weed out of a bong at his house
Due to this morning's events my new porn name is Reepa Nipplov.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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