You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
I miss you.
Yeah, I don't want to have sex.
Randomize