just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
his dog just threw up on me too. its like im a throwup magnet to that family.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
Is it penis luge time yet?
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
I tried to walk home in my heels. And I fell into a snow bank. And then I cried and a policeman came up to me and said I can't sit in a snowbank and got me a cab. So maybe that's where I left my credit card. I remember the cop asking me if I was old enough to drink, too. OMG. How embarrassing. Pretty sure I told him to "leave me alone."
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
