exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?
i just stepped in cum. i hate you.
Thats what happens when you don't swallow.
I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.
I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
Kinda awkward to hear your aunt complain about loose women when you're in town to be a stunt dick for a swingers convention. Just sayin.
Did I leave the house with out a shirt or socks?
Yea, you said you didn't need them cause she was going to take them off anyways and that it would "save time".
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
He asked me if I've ever had my ass ate and there was no polite way to say yeah your brother's pretty in to that 😂 I went with "no"
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
Surrounded by smaller versions of the same
Fuck my life... Im so horny Im gonna take it out on this sandwich
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
Randomize
