By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
I actually told the people in the movie theatre to give me a cup and I would dip water from the toilet before I paid $4.50 for a bottle of water.
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
i was staring at it trying to desperately see a vagina
she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.
how was it?
he was petting the bushes because they were "napkins"
uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
Boob shaped ice luge is ordered for my bday. Boom
I can't even drink.
The liquor comes out the nipples. Out. The. Nipples.
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I don't care how hot she is, her cat has pissed on me twice.
I'm done being drunk I wish I could snap my fingers and be sober
Randomize
