wow... just woke up to find out that the OJ we used in my bong last night was poured back into the carton
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.
Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I almost had sex in a public restroom last night in case you're wondering how much of a mess 22 is for me
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
Stacy was in the bathroom puking, so he peed out the window. We were eight stories up.
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