she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.
I can feel his 12 year old sister"s eyes barreling into my soul everytime I'm at there house..some how she knows I'm cheating on her brother or she's mad cause I stole her shirt.
Dude, seduce him with cookies. You almost turned me gay with scones. Don't be surprised when they get you laid.
The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
His dick is the size of my forearm. Would it be rude to ask to take a comparison photo after sex?
"We drove to the deserted part of the parking lot, and that's where we blew each other. It was so romantic."
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
Randomize
