ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
He lasted like 30 seconds. With a condom. I just expected more from the president of a frat.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
Idk. I was speaking metaphorically. Go for it. As one of your bad decisions, I feel confident in saying you've done worse.
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I have suspicion of morning wood.
How are you unsure as to the current state of your penis?
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
i am craving dick and cupcakes
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
Randomize
