ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Yeah, he said he was getting "welcome back Winnipeg Jets drunk" then puked on his jersey.
Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?
I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
well I woke up with about $3 in odd change and a note that said "I'm borrowing your weed." So, no, it didn't go to well.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
At some point the phrase "I've hit rock bottom" stopped having a meaning and became my general state of life
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Well, if you do die, I'll bedazzle your coffin.
Randomize
