Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
For the record, chili cheese fritos are not a chaser.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
I may be going to Mexico. I just met a drug dealer at a strip club. Seems legit.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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