Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.
Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
The bong is packed and it's taco Tuesday come over
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
