You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
I imagine my 13 hours of sleep after my 3 day upper bender was similar to Jesus rising from the dead.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
Getting too drunk for the hot dog vendor to serve me is possibly a sign of an alcohol problem. I threw up in the sewer grates next to his stand
high as fuck. watching parent trap with my mom. keep missing my mouth.
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
I SWEAR TO GOD IF SHE FUCKS WITH OUR GOLD GENE POOL
All I've done is masturbate and drink while being home from college.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
