I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
So im using the back of a keystone box as notecard for my presentation
Tomorrow will not be complet unless someone eats me out. Just sayin
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
We had a deepthroating contest with breadsticks at Olive Garden
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
The moment I said this burrito on my nuts feels really good is the moment I knew I was drunk
When the bouncer wouldn't let you back in you screamed "Authority is not given you to deny the return of the king!" and ran past him.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
My younger brother asked me "to stop fucking his girlfriends older sisters"
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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