too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
birth control should be required to get into college
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
being pregnant is like rehab
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
Yes. I am out of condoms. I kept filling them with glow paint and playing with them when I was on mushrooms, which resulted in me having unprotected sex last weekend
We single women of America need to make America great again by refusing to fuck anyone who supports Trump.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
Randomize
