He’s a liberal pot smoker and perfect for me. He invented a game where we have to smoke a joint every time you hear a Middle Eastern accent on NPR.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
He tried to slow-dance with me in bed. IN BED.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
Dude she's famous. She's on an episode of campus pd. Can't not fuck her
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
i think i just lost a toe
Randomize
