the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
I can feel the fear and stress bubbling in my stomach. Or maybe that is the pregnancy.
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
I NEED YOU TO TELL ME ITS OKAY TO BE THIS HIGH
Yes
O.K.
Gotcha. How bad is it?
Well to compare it to something I would say it what's that walls would like inside the primate exhibit at the zoo after a group of monkeys finished throwing feces at each other all afternoon
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
