the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
i may or may not be hanging out with a boxer who has a daughter tonight. and he just spelled "honestly" like "onistly". He has prob taken a few too many hits to the head but he's hot at least.
they have a walk of shame score keeper on their fridge. I marked my tally for him on my way out..
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
There were grown college boys running around north campus in capes with nerf guns. If security were to be called I think they would just give them more beer.
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
I think the cop who arrested me yesterday is at my gym rn should I say hi
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
If I don’t find a quality dick soon I’m going to beg the neighbor for another threesome with her and her husband. It’s like Covid killed all the quality penis Vegas normally has
Randomize
