She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
today is the best snowday of my entire life. also its no shirt day.
Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
Stoned. Scared. Bring pool noodle and onion rings.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
Randomize
