My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I happen to have lost a black t-shirt and the volume button from my phone last night. If anyone finds it. You know what to do.
Just sitting here contemplating the meaning of life.
So you're drunk waiting for the bus.
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
