I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
This ice cream is 10x better than the sex I had yesterday
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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