Full bush! Can't stay! Need ride! Come on bro!
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
But you wanna know what the sadest part is? I had to smoke on the way back home cause my mom would be suspicious if I wasn't high after I was supposedly hanging out with you.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
On a happier note, I can fit in my old shorts. Dope does have its perks
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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