i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
Omg that was my second thought of the morning.
First was that we had pop tarts.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I told him that we shouldn't complicate things. He responded with a dick pic.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
I wiped my ass with a McDonalds wrapper. I've hit an all time low. Sorry for my impatience
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