I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
im 80% sure the guy across from me is taking pictures of my legs
his penis looked like arnold from hey arnold. it was interesting.
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
I just found 51 cents in my bed. Did you leave me a tip?
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
The guy next to me on the bus has one hole in his jeans that has over 20 mini dicks drawn on his leg. Classic.
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