Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
he couldnt get it up, so i stole his lighter. i needed to have some reason to say the night wasnt wasted
We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply
I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday
i think dick pics are a sign of a sexual renaissance
im currently assessing the tequila situation in preparation of your arrival
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
It's gonna be ok. As we grow older we sometimes lose sight of what's important to us. Like safe sex. And standards.
Come to find out, there is a place where binge drinking and aggressive head butting is completely appropriate. In a mosh pit, Travis is just a regular dude!
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
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