can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.
I can affiliate each flavor of Copenhagen to a different one night stand. I really love Texas.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
You're 31, how do you still outdrink all these college kids?
Practice, Irish genes, and a lack of desire to live past 40. But mostly practice.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
See, this is why you don't do nice things for people. You'll get stuck in the snow and you won't catch a dick.
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Randomize
