I called the bar to ask if they found my Id and credit card and they remembered me as 'the girl who signed her receipt in blood'
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
thanks for singing to me while i puked last night
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
There is an unwrapped tampon, a condom, a rubber chicken and a slim Jim currently sitting on our dining room table.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
Randomize
