Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
i never thought i'd have to say "please stop having sex on me"
wow.
yeah, it was that bad.
That's what you said about that spiderman stripper, but look how that turned out
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING
We just took back to back grav bong hits and are playing battleship. She guessed Z - 12 so weve switched board games.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Amazon is not showing any promising results for penis tree toppers and I am genuinely surprised. Clearly this is a market that needs to be addressed.
She gave me a collar. When I asked what this was for she replied "I'm taming your dick"
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
Randomize