dude. FULL moustache. it was like getting head from Tom Selleck
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase
My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.
My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"
Aren't they always?
I walked by the two of them and mouthed "fuck me" based on there reaction I think they just came in their pants
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I'm just waiting for the avalanche of beef.
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
did you just try to prove your straightness by quoting a lady gaga song?
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Lost and found: pink cotton underwear next to my bed and soaking wet Reebok socks or boxers in a plastic bag...in my fridge🤔
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
I was just seen throwin up on the bookstore building near a trashcan by parents. Naturally I throw a thumbs up and say go college
Randomize
