Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
i was in the bathroom puking my brains out, a girl walked in and said "i just came to do the same thing" so i told her i would move over and share the toilet. its better than being alone.
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
Just say you're the husband at the front desk to get in. She's in room 15 at the ER.
what? who is this?
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
He actually offered up a silent prayer thanking God for my "tremendous ass." You tell me how my night is going.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Tell them to carpool to pride, have a 3way, and if one says 'no thanks' just tell em it's not gay if it happened in a 3way!
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
He seems like a super lonely dude. I bet if I gave him a picture of my tits he wouldn't make me turn in this paper.
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
If you think I'm going to drive 5.5 hours just to bang a guy, you'd be absolutely right.
If he isn’t into CosPlay he will be after tonight. That naughty nurse outfit heals broken hearts
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