Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Sex was great. Left his house while he was asleep but on the plus side I was able to get gas station food.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
Randomize
