Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.
Just got kicked in the balls by a girl in tap shoes. Fuck EVERYTHING
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
BURNT NIPPLES ARE UNHAPPY NIPPLES.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
You walked in wearing nothing but a beekeeper mask
You bring me burritos. Of course I text you during sex
You know you were really drunk last night when you woke up and had someone else's jacket with their car keys and medical marijuana that you wore home from the bar and no sign of your actual jacket.
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
