I'm going to take the bottles back.. And maybe get an x-ray
just took my exes job. there should be an award for how many times I've managed to fuck that girl's life
Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. I drunk emailed a professor on friday. Oh my god. Oh my god.
should my penis look like a turkey
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
she asked me where ive been her entire life and the guy in the room next to us yelled "with other women bitch!"
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
If my neighbors have super loud sex again tonight, I'm going to leave a ball-gag and roll of duct tape in their mail slot.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Just checking to make sure you weren't kidnapped, pregnant or watching Fox News.
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
You're at a grade school volley ball game with a yeti of tequila. You've passed extra
Randomize
