i swear to god, this restaurant is playing a john tesh cover of a song from aladdin
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
You hooked up with another girl while you were with me. You were literally holding my hand while you did it.
Just ran interference for her again. Sometimes i wonder how many times in my life i'll have to be a cock block at the clinic
My goal is to not catch on fire... But if i have to dance im going to dance regardless of the danger
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
If you ever get divorced...would you call me??
I have a dinner date combo blowjob event with Tristan tonight.
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