then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
I just won Halloween Walk of Shame Bingo!
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.
she went to her friend's wedding and caught the bouquet. as the unwilling rebound, can i run away now?
This was baby jesus's way of getting you to wait until the next bikini wax
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Yep. How's your hangover?
It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
If I wasn't stoned and knee deep in cheese and crackers I'd help.
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
You're best friend just tackled me....naked....brought me to his room where he had freshly baked cinnamon rolls. I didn't know he could cook
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
