It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
totally poinked my lawyers daughter in his hot tub last night. i figure getting off is just compensation for not getting me off.
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
I'm too high and old for this...
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Is there a number of dicks a girl can have in a weekend before it becomes unacceptable? Asking for a friend
Remember! It’sa long weekend and a holiday weekend and it’s America’s birthday! So don’t short change me!
I thought you were asking for a friend
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