we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Don't be a smartass. I'm trying to fuck a guy who's sober. It's more difficult than you think.
I think I just found part of a tooth on my bed... What goes on in here?
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Cory and I accidentally had a sexual adventure last night.
How do you ACCIDENTALLY have a sexual adventure?
Batteries died. I don't care that you're studying for the bar. Come over. Bring the law books and study after. I'll even make coffee.
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Randomize
