There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
Pretty sure that molly fried my sinus infection away; i regret nothing
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Hey! How are you feeling? Still preferring soup over sex?
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
I just chased my hot mailman down the street to ask him out and now I am 98% positive he gave me a fake number.
At least you didn't lose your virginity to chumbawumba
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