Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
I realize now. I should have just made out with everyone and anyone when I had the chance.
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
just gave another girl i passed on the walk of shame a high five
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
I ate goldfish off your shoulder, I think we had bigger issues
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I'm eating tortillas right now. Like not cooked tortillas. Someone is playing the guitar. Man with bandana.
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
Oh my god the guy at DQ just gave me the number 69 and winked at me
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Randomize