ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
Hey, it's Thrasher! From the hospital!
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Randomize
