I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.
Don't judge me. He's really sexy for a 17 year old. We made nasty in the womens bathroom at the beach. Don't worry. I wore sandals in there.
None of that is ok.
I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Just got kicked out of two hot tubs. We were naked the second time. So awkward getting out in front of the security guard.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Its safe now. But... Nobody should sleep on my bed tonight.
Randomize
