I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I realized tonight the smell of my dirty pads remind me of my grandfather.
Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I don't want any of this. I just want big sausages.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
I think my FWB just broke up with me and i don't know how I feel about that
is it bad that there is a girl in my bed right now and the only thing i can think about is the fect that its after 3am which means i cant order jimmyjohns unitll tomorrow?
Randomize
