Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
THAT WAS PROBABLY MY ONE CHANCE TO SLEEP WITH A MAN NAMED BORIS AND YOU RUINED IT.
He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
I vaguely remember taking a yard light, holding it up like the statue of liberty, and all of us at the party chanting the national anthem. What a glorious night
Lets go hit some boners bro!
I appreciate the acceptance and inclusion, but that's not how we gay men talk.
I was so hungover at work I had my shirt on backwards. I had no idea how I managed to get through today puke free.
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
Randomize