my breakfast just consisted of gushers (made with real fruit!) and they're trying to tell me im not eating right?
I wish I could put booze in boobs and store it for later. I wouldn't need a flask. For $7000, they should do amazing things like that.
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
Like I blink, and he's face first in my vagina.
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
Randomize
