I wish I could teleport
i puked in the mini-firdge
we don't have a mini-fridge?
bought one. it ws too cheap to pass up. xcept now there's puke in it,,, but the freezer's fine so i feel pretty good about that
you know i think I know why you are single...because you are real cute but then you open your mouth and let words come out and all goes to hell.
he poured tabasco sauce in my vag.. I'm still having a hard time going to the bathroom.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
i fell into a bathtub last night and broke the fall with my forehead. my forehead is bruised
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
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