you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I'm sorry, you might have to start setting aside some time in your day for my pussy.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
sex, shower, sex, ice cream sandwiches?
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
