K I think ***** turned off her phone. Guess I can't make her feel any more miserable tonight so I'm goin to sleep
i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
You know you need to take better care of yourself when shaving reminds you of sheep shearing...
Some girl took her panties off, soaked them in vodka and wrung them out into a line of guys' mouths! Awesome!
No, NOT awesome. Where the fuck do you go drinking!?!
Like an undercooked grilled cheese that got cold again. But hairy.
And there goes my desire for sandwiches. Forever.
It's called life, you pretentious bitch. Grow up.
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
also, my mom just called to make sure the dick tattoo on your arm was fake..
Randomize
