Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Also, just saw a homeless man answer a phone call on a blackberry...
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Girl, that was the lost night of 2012 for me and I have buried that night deep deep away..
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Nahh no judgin. Compliments to the balls are always heartfelt
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
Look, road flare archery was agreed on. We both accepted it was a shit idea sober, but did it drunk anyway.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
You're incredible, and I'm drunk
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
Randomize
