Don't know how I even got in. I pulled my id out and threw it at the bouncer, and he just picked it up, checked it, and let me in.
I think off duty cops drove me home. I may have been hitchhiking
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Well you tried to pay for a drink with your keys for one...
Seeing your one night stand on campus never gets less awkward. Why is Subway the only good place to eat?
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
No, Ethan, handcuffs and friendship bracelets are not "basically" the same thing.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
You think you can just send me a picture of your dick and everything will be ok?
Yep.
Randomize
