im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
When she gives birth, I'm so playing 'Eye of the Tiger'
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Also, I'd like to add that that I'm not quitting my job, my boss fed me shots at 11 am this morning.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
Literally lying on a futon being hand fed bacon
Fuck you.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
It was like we had a conversation with our eyes.
Was it a good conversation?
It was an awkward, sexual conversation.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Randomize
