i just told my boss to make it rain at camelot later...what is wrong with me?
So... I just got back from the chiropractor... And he said I have a slight neck injury from head banging too much. Fuck yes.
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
Literally best acid trip ever. Better than sex. At one point she looked over at me, started crying, holds up her hands and said "dinosaur tears of sadness". Craziest roommate ever.
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Who has the safety vest from this past weekend Additionally, who has the dancemaster glove?
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
