There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
truck drivers should not leave their trucks unlocked with cigarettes inside when we're drunk and walking around.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
I'm trying to behave my vagina this week so I can at least pretend I'm honoring the sanctity of marriage
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
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